guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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