We named our party play list daddy issues
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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