i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
