I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
