i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
