How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
