I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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