On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
