Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
