I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
