I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
