I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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