So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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