her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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