Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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