I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just gargled with NyQuil
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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