apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
