you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
