Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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