So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
