Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
