She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
