Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
