i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
