My sheets look like a crime scene.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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