Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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