Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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