The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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