dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
