I'm pants shitting drunk right now
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
