just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
