genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
