uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
