Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Couch. On fire.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
