U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
