I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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