i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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