My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
