The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
