Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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