I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
