keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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