whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
