So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
