I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
