I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
