i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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