I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
