I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
