you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
